The five o five : Monday, December 3, 2007

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Let me be the first to admit that sometimes I do too much. I look around at this great big old world and think to myself I'm not doing enough. I try to cram as many experiences as I possibly can into this one lifetime because I'm not guaranteed tomorrow and I have no idea if I'm coming back or not. I'm trying to get it all done in one shot but that comes with definite consequences.

R E S E T
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It tickles me now to hear children talk about, "When I grow up," because I still sometimes feel like I'm waiting to grow up myself (even at 27). I still don't feel grown. I still don't feel that burden of responsibility that an "Adult" is described as having looming over their head like a dark cloud. The dark burden that often leads to alcoholism and drug abuse. The dark burden that leads to depressive and egotistical behavior. The dark burden that I remember looking up too when I was 5 thinking , How cool it would be to drive a car."
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Do you remember the thing you wanted to be when you grew up from from when you were little? Some of us said fireman while others said "Super Model / Scientist" or "Police Officer / Actor". No one told us that once you honestly were set on the course of your "Dream occupation" that you were inevitably locked in even after you find that your selection was not a satisfying as your 5 year old self would imagine. Most of our younger selves (the ones that wanted to pursue multiple dreams) would be encouraged by deceitful adults into thinking that it was honestly possible to be a "World Famous Chef / Musician". The overachieving parent would even go as far as going out to buy us the Easy Bake Oven [hasbro.com Easy Bake Oven] and the big plastic microphone so we could hone our talents in the comfort of our bedroom. They would do all this because they just wanted to see us happy. But what is the sacrifice for their happiness? What were they talking about when you weren't in the room? They would smile in your face and reiterate at any given instant, "You can be whatever you wanna be," as long as you didn't wanna be something they didn't approve of. So how does that set us "Now Grown" children up for failure?

I'm gonna be 27 years old tomorrow (yep its my birthday) [Sojourner's Truth Website]. That only means that for the last 26 years I've been discovering who it is I want to become. It tickles me now to hear children talk about, "When I grow up," because I still sometimes feel like I'm waiting to grow up myself (even at 27). I still don't feel grown. I still don't feel that burden of responsibility that an "Adult" is described as having looming over their head like a dark cloud. The dark burden that often leads to alcoholism and drug abuse. The dark burden that leads to depressive and egotistical behavior. The dark burden that I remember looking up too when I was 5 thinking , How cool it would be to drive a car." I still see the world as a child would. The only difference of my 27 year old self versus my 7 year old self is that I have a child of my own [Destiney flickr]. That's it. If I could I would still play with GI Joes [GIJoe.com] and Lego blocks [legos.com]. If I could (and I have) I would still hitch a ride on a Merry Go Round and take a few hops from the swing. I like being able to enjoy life, unlike the way they want you to think that "Responsible Adults"should behave.

The kind of duplicity that I described become a burden itself, however. A child trapped in a adults' body still has to pay bills. There is no recess, nap time or cookies and juice for us at the end of the day. There are no gold stars for our effort or standing in the corner for our misdeeds. There is just cold hard reality which we still perceive with an innocent glare. Innocence has no place in the adult world. I read recently that they are even fighting to taint the youthful sanctity of video games with pornographic images and gratuitous violence. They label there debate as, "Video games need to grow up" obviously stating that being grown up means becoming as over sexed maniacal deviant. They want us to believe that being an adult purely equals the right to drink, smoke, fornicate and cuss. They want us to believe that maybe if this is not the stuff we're into then maybe we're not fit to wear the title of "Grown Up".

R E S E T
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They love to talk about drugs and sex as though those are the problems of society but the problems of society is society itself. They try to make you something you're not and then when you finally do conform they look at you as though you committed a sin (in most cases you have).
"

I've been called childish before. Ironically it was by an 8 year old. He had seen me playing Pokemon [pokemon.com] on my Game Boy Advance [nintendo.com] and he pointed and laughed and said I was acting like a child. I was wearing a suit and tie at the time and I was sitting with my shoes off and my legs crossed enjoying my game. I told him to go away and that his words didn't phase me. I went off on a rant about how adults make the video games he called me childish for playing and he needed to stay in a child's place. I let him know that his words meant nothing and to wait until he was my age and see what he would be doing in the same situation. I pretended not to care at all but his single statement ate at my core for a long time. I went off to discover the definition of childish to validate my actions. I wanted to know for sure that I didn't fall into that category. I looked it up [dictionary.com childish]. I studied it. I wanted to be certain it didn't describe me. I discovered a loop hole. I found out I could also be labeled youthful.

Maybe after that day I began to overcompensate. That happened about 3 years ago and since then I have made a volume of changes. I began seriously thinking about what my "adult"self should be pursuing. I began to seriously think about becoming the thing I said I wanted to be. I began to go after it more seriously. I filled my days with networking and power lunches. I filled my evenings with clubbing and intoxication. It was not a lifestyle I chose for myself but the one that the adult world chose for me. I have no regrets but maybe several "I-wish-I-could-do-that-over's". That is the way the world will do you if you let it, and I did. I took everything for granted. My skills. My time. My affection. Everything that made me worth something I over did it. I thought the world wanted all of me so I share every single molecule of my being with reality. I saved nothing for myself. I would go for weeks without sleeping. I would go for months without visiting my family. I would allow a year to go by before I would even think about what I was supposed to be doing because I wanted to fit in to the "adult" world.

They love to talk about drugs and sex as though those are the problems of society but the problems of society is society itself. They try to make you something you're not and then when you finally do conform they look at you as though you committed a sin (in most cases you have). I lived a brief stint as an adult before I found that it wasn't for me. I still take care of my responsibility. I still act as though I have that stick stuck in my you-know-what around certain judgmental individuals. Sometimes you have to play the game but never let the game play you. Sometimes you have to look back on the things you've done and ahead on the things you have let to do and think about where you're standing and where you would like to stand. I want to end on top. I want to go out at the pinnacle of my game. I want to be that spry and youthful 101 year old that clocked the mess out of that would-be mugger in New York [Associated Content 101 year old woman]. I want to be George Burns with a fat cigar tucked into my jaw still singing lullaby's at 98. I want to go out clothed in my immortal youth.

Sometimes I do to much but if I honestly want to make it then I pause for a moment and take inventory of all that I'm doing to see if it matches with all that I want to do. I'm closer now than I've ever been. My graphic design is real [asublimecreation.com]. I found a way to make my own clothes [cafepress.com]. I have a wonderful family [Alisha flikr]. Just a few other things to work on. Don't be afraid to stop and reset.

Tomorrow I turn 27.

Its time for a new me.

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