Waiting to Exhale

*Inhale

Why do fools fall in love?
Money can't buy me love.
Love don't cost a thing.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, LOVE!!!!! What is really going on with the world? Everybody is talking about it, "Love this, and love that."

"I think I love my wife, I found love on a two way street, love me or leave me alone." but I honestly wonder do people really believe in love or is it another one of those commercial marketing schemes like Ginsu Knives or the Swiffer Sweeper. Love does sound more like something you can rub on a bad relationship to get the stains out or at least that's how American culture treats it.

L O V E
"
I opened it carefully not wanting to nick or tear this fine delicate artifact. This was an historic event. My journey into manhood documented on college ruled eight and a half by eleven inch paper. The first entry into my personal history book. It was finally open lying before me naked and wrinkled. Large bubbly words danced about the surface ignoring both lines and margins but holding firm within their blue and white cage. This was it.
"

I remember being younger and around Valentines day everyone was buzzing about this love thing, but back then love (for a 5 year old) was only applicable to your mommy, your auntie, your granny, and maybe your doggie. Love had nothing to do with girlfriend or boyfriend or anything even nearly that icky. As a teenager, I remember love becoming a bit more complex with the acquired knowledge of kissing and the opposite sex. It seemed like the most exciting thing in the world. The best activity ever. I imagined it in the same category as monopoly, scrabble or something similar to tag. Love was the greatest game I couldn't wait to play. The problem with love, however, was that it wasn't as simple a game as you would like it to be. You don't just pick teams and your players don't always play fair. I remember several of my teenage crushes (potential team mates) being interested in signing to my fall roster but negotiations never followed all the way through. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 14 y'all. A freshman in high school.

So what about that? How did that first time really feel? What was my first experience with the game of love all about and why did I do it? Well, it happened like this (cue the flash back sequence);

I was sitting in an auditorium in front of some random girls (I was a nerd so you only sat near girls or by girls but never with them) when one of them, from behind me, hands me a note. It was folded up neatly along with the standard, "I'm a girl," signature fold and at first I thought it was to be passed along to someone else. I didn't look back. I was afraid to. Looking into the eyes of a girl back then was just like staring directly at the sun. You instantly become blind and powerless and no 14 year old boy wants that to happen. So I look down at the letter and written on the front fold was my name, spelled incorrectly of course. Nervousness swept over me in a way that almost made me pee on myself. It wasn't the fact that a girl had handed me a letter but it was the fact that a girl had handed me a letter that was actually for me. I opened it carefully not wanting to nick or tear this fine delicate artifact. This was an historic event. My journey into manhood documented on college ruled eight and a half by eleven inch paper. The first entry into my personal history book. It was finally open lying before me naked and wrinkled. Large bubbly words danced about the surface ignoring both lines and margins but holding firm within their blue and white cage. This was it.

The letter was less of a letter and more of a survey. It was one of those simple questionnaires that almost every "love crazed" youth has taken part in. I carefully chose my own answer.

Do you like me? Yes | No

I circled yes not even looking back to see which of the girls had actually sent the inquiry but any girl that liked me then It was a shoeing that I would like them back. I circled yes more than one to be certain that whoever had sent it could see it clearly then I clumsily folded the note back and nervously passed it over my right shoulder. It seemed like an eternity before it returned to my possession. In the seconds that passed in between me have the note and passing it back I had projected an entire future with this mystery girl. We were married, had children, lived in a big house together, had a dog, and were in love. Ahhhhhhhhh love.

The letter came back to me and this time with a bit more confidence I opened it a read the response,

I think you're cute.

L O V E
"
I think love needs to be redefined. Our lives are so over saturated with the word and concept of love that it no longer holds the value it once did. Love is one of the biggest marketing tools ever. We wear it. We eat it. We blow our noses on it. It covers our baby's bottoms. It tastes great and is less filling. Its damn near everywhere.
"

That's all I needed, confirmation that this wasn't god's sick joke for a lonely dweeb. I wrote back, "I think you are cute too," folded the letter and slowly turned around to sacrifice my vision for a glance into the eyes of a goddess. (All girls were goddesses back then) When my neck finally carried my head the full circumference of the 180 degrees there she was before me. I handed her the letter and shot a semi confident glare in her direction. She let out a shy giggle and just like that, boom. Confidence gone. My brawn bubble had busted and I was reminded that I was a nerd all over again. Its one thing to look at them but it’s an entirely different thing to hear them speak. My hands were shaky and my entire body was tense. I was sick. I felt like I was gonna die. No. I was in love.

After that day me and the girl "went together" which was nothing more than a phone calling and note passing activity to occupy the otherwise boring school day. It was the sort of game you'd play on a rainy day because you can't go outside. All 14 days of our relationship turned out to be nothing like they had shown on television and I was slightly disappointed yet thoroughly intrigued.

Of course she broke up with me in the end. It was not more than a simple phone call saying her mom said she was too young for relationships. Where do girls learn how to let a man down so easy from anyway?

So love. What is it really for? What is its honest purpose? I genuinely loved this girl. I think I even said it to her after the third conversation. Is it something we do to ourselves to bond us with another individual or is it something that happens to us as a result of meeting the "right one". Why is love such an utter mystery. Why is love such a scavenger hunt? Why is love such a dice game? Why is love such a joust match? Why do we play this game? Are they any actual winners? It reminds me of the lottery, have you ever known anyone personally who won. Why does love not come with an instruction book? Are their any rules? How do you know whose turn it is? What happens if you lose? Do you go to jail and go directly to jail, do not pass go and do not collect your $200 dollars? Can I cash in my love for money now? What is the point?

Now, before someone tells my fiancé that I have cold feet and she needs to leave me alone allow me to conclude with an explanation. I think love needs to be redefined. Our lives are so over saturated with the word and concept of love that it no longer holds the value it once did. Love is one of the biggest marketing tools ever. We wear it. We eat it. We blow our noses on it. It covers our baby's bottoms. It tastes great and is less filling. Its damn near everywhere. We don't love each other, we love LOVE! But what about the true essence of it all? I thought it at one time was an actual emotion? Not just a word. If I could go back in time I would ask my first "girlfriend" did she really "love" me? If she didn't outright say no she would probably respond with, "I don't know". We play the game before we even understand the rules and that even goes for adults. What are we doing? We know how the pieces work. Rooks move straight. Bishops move in diagonals. We hold hands. Kiss. Look into each others eyes. Such an incredible chess match is love indeed. But what is the prize? Happiness? Security? Love itself? Sometimes, this, I still wonder.